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13 May 2005
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I don’t pay much attention to celebrities. They’re an amusing way to pass time in a Saturday afternoon grocery store checkout lane sometimes. My attention span concerning them is almost as long as it is for fast-food employees. In fact, I probably pay more attention to fast-food workers. I don’t eat film. Terrible indigestion. Tom Cruise, however, is somewhat more interesting than the run-of-the-mill Hollywood personification because he seems to have become rabid. It all begins some 95,000,000 years ago with the establishment of the Galactic Confederation.
Back then Earth was known as Teegeeack (pronounced: T-G-Ack! ?), and several million “people” (178 million per planet, on average) were brought to the planet we now call home.
Xenu, as Darth Sidious was once known, implanted these people with invalid circuitry in order to curb a population explosion. Fortunately, Xenu (or, perhaps, Xemu) was captured by the Loyal Officers who quickly placed him within an electronic prison on some mountain somewhere. While Xenu remains within his electric cell, some others up and disappeared. Who those others are is unclear; L. Ron Hubbard denotes them as “they.”
The taint of Xenu, (Xena?) however, remains and our wires are still crossed. Fortunately, the electricians over at the Scientology club will rewire you for a small fee of between $30,000 and $50,000. Not a terribly significant sum given that once you have been reprogrammed you will become a god.
I think ol' TomCat should ask for a refund on account of something going terribly wrong during the rewiring. His newfound Jedi powers failed to alert him to that famous water attack. What if someone had an actual gun? We’d have one less self-aggrandising celebrity to poke, and, possibly, one less glorified remake to watch. Cruise should steer clear of alien movies as he may not act as well if he thinks the story is nonfiction which could destroy his career and, thus, he wouldn’t have enough dough to bake himself into a higher being with ...
The "force" has spoken.
RedRyder -
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