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The old man sat in the cab of his son's beat up blue Ford pickup, gazing longingly out the window at something which no one else could see, toward a horizon hidden by a roadside gas station. The pumps in front were large and red and boasted rounded tops that bore the image of a white winged horse.

He could see his son inside, paying for the gas and for the cream soda and Moon Pie the old man had requested. The attendant was babbling about something behind the counter, he could see, an idiot teenager in a white cap that was two sizes too big for him and which pushed down the tops of his ears so that he looked like a kid playing dress up. He wished the kid would shut up so he could get back on the road with his son.

His head was starting to hurt again and the scent of oranges wafted through the open window of the cab, although there were no oranges around that he could see. He knew it was coming, could almost smell it the way he could smell those oranges. It had happened to him every day for the past month. Some vision, some...almost memory...would play around in his mind until he thought he would go mad with it, and then his headache would pop like a balloon and hewould take a nap, awake feeling a bit refreshed.

And then the vision would come to fruition just as he pictured it.  For some reason, the maddening scent of oranges always preceded these images. Today, though, he had a feeling he would not be taking a nap. He just wanted to drive. Put as many miles as possible between himself and this godforsaken town. He had awoken with a feeling of....bad.

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A brand new store has just opened in New York City that sells Husbands.
When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!
There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as you ascend the flights.

You may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up
to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the 1st floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The 2nd floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

The 3rd floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely good looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and
Help with Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help
with Housework and Have A Strong Romantic Streak.

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We recently had a cold spell around our place, and my wife, who loves her plants, was bringing in a lot of them, from out on our patio, to protect them from a possible freeze. It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants and when it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.

She let out a very loud scream. I was taking a shower, heard it, and immediately ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told me there was a snake under the sofa. I got down on the floor on my hands and knees to look for it.

About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed me on the butt. I thought the snake had bitten me ……… My wife thought I’d had a heart attack, so she called an ambulance. The attendants rushed in and loaded me on the stretcher and started carrying me out. About that time the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher.

That's when I broke my leg and went to the hospital. The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on one of our neighbors. He volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch.

Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief. But in relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa, and the neighbor man seeing her laying there passed out trying to use CPR to revive her.

The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches. An ambulance was again called and it was determined that the injury required hospitalization.

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I closed the lid of the washer and sat down to page through Reader’s Digest. It was the only magazine my mother-in-law would read and it beat the hell out of talking to her. Pretending I didn’t hear the crystal bell she was ringing, I honed in on an article entitled “How To Talk To Your Relatives.” Maybe it could help, I lied to myself.

The article recommended using “I” statements such as “I notice you never smile, Clarissa. Is something wrong?” That got a chuckle out of me, since the only smile I ever noticed on my mother-in-law’s face reminded me of Katherine Hepburn in Long Day’s Journey Into Night. In fact, Clarissa’s smile was so diabolical I could never dream of trusting it to express a simple emotion like, “Happy to see you Barbara.”

The crystal bell was really tinkling now. Transferring the bedclothes from the front loading washer to the dryer, I scanned the magazine for other titles of interest. “If you have been exposed to environmental toxins such as paint thinner, add a box of baking soda to the next bath you take and stay in the hot water for at least an hour.” Well, that was interesting. Since I had a painting project in mind, which required removing very old oil-based paint from woodwork, that might do the trick.

From the window in the laundry room I could see Clarissa sitting up in her bed waving her crystal bell. Deciding to take the bull by the horns, I strode across the lawn and knocked on the glass French doors.

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It was on our family vacation to Disney World, a few years back, when I saw him. I had just come from Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride and was heading toward the spinning teacups when a guy dressed as Pluto waved to a group of little kids. It must have been a field trip, kindergarteners or first graders or something, because they were all wearing blue shirts with big red eagles on them.

The reason I knew it was a guy was because after having taken a picture with the group, he ducked around the corner of a gift shop selling Mickey Mouse gear, pulled off the Pluto head and paws and lit a cigarette. He closed his eyes and inhaled slowly, like he was savoring the tar and nicotine that was seeping into his lungs, savoring the short break before returning to the world of screaming little kids and tired parents wearing fanny packs and Mickey Mouse ears.

Cigarette hanging from his lips, he brought his hands up to his head and started massaging his temples, eyes still closed. He rubbed for several seconds, then took the cigarette out of his mouth and blew a gray snake into the sky. When he opened his eyes, he saw me staring at him and smiled. I must have had a peculiar look on my face, staring at this half-man, half-Pluto, because he said, "Still shocks ya, doesn’t it? Grownups, we know there’s a man or a woman inside the costume, but the kid in us still believes it’s the actual cartoon. And when we see the person inside, that kid dies." He sucked on the cigarette.

I was surprised at the wisdom of the statement, at the fact that someone dressed as Pluto smoking a pack of cigs could come up with a statement that profound, but all I said was, "I guess."

"Wanna a cigarette?"


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